So… After spending my youth as a crash test dummy…

 I Need a Skeleton Transplant

People used to tell me when I was a kid “One of these days..  When you are older… You’re gonna’ be sorry” and now that I’m in my 40’s I realize they were right…

On a cold day, I can feel every single stage dive, slam dance, car crash and drunken fist fight I ever had… And the 30 years of standing on concrete floors fixing cars hasn’t helped either.  So for the past 6 or 7 years I wake up in the morning wondering if I will actually be able to get out of bed and perpendicular to floor without passing out from the pain… Some days… Putting on socks is just out of the question.


skeleton transplant
Diagnosis: Chronic Skeletonitis. 

 I’ve already considered and dismissed a synthetic skeleton replacement like that Terminator thing… However it’s more complicated than the movies would have you believe.  The skeleton serves six major functions only the first 2 on the list* could be addressed with a synthetic replacement with current technology.  As for a  low millage used skeleton that should not be a problem at all,  many people with perfectly good skeletons don’t need them and probably wouldn’t even miss having one.

 Radical Surgery – Skeletonectomy

So far I have determined this procedure has never been done and I’m sure it will be a dangerous surgery…

However, I am confident there is a doctor out there that is willing to do it.


Marx Brothers
Skeleton Transplant Surgical Team


The List* 6 Major Functions the Skeleton ( Why Stainless steel or Titanium wont work)


The skeleton provides the framework which supports the body and maintains its shape. The pelvis and associated ligaments and muscles provide a floor for the pelvic structures. Without the ribs, costal cartilages, the intercostal muscles and the heart would collapse.


The joints between bones permit movement, some allowing a wider range of movement than others, e.g. the ball and socket joint allows a greater range of movement than the pivot joint at the neck. Movement is powered by skeletal muscles, which are attached to the skeleton at various sites on bones. Muscles, bones, and joints provide the principal mechanics for movement, all coordinated by the nervous system.

Blood cell production

The skeleton is the site of haematopoiesis, which takes place in red bone marrow.


Bone matrix can store calcium and is involved in calcium metabolism, and bone marrow can store iron in ferritin and is involved in iron metabolism. However, bones are not entirely made of calcium,but a mixture of chondroitin sulfateand hydroxyapatite, the latter making up 70% of a bone.

Endocrine regulation

Bone cells release a hormone called osteocalcin, which contributes to the regulation of blood sugar and fat deposition. Osteocalcin increases both the insulin secretion and sensitivity, in addition to boosting the number of insulin-producing cells and reducing stores of fat.