DUCKS… I CAN’T STAND DUCKS!!!  DEATH TO DUCKS!!!  FVCKING DUCKS!!!  DUCKS GO TO HELL!!!

Drugs Are Bad For You

Back in lets say 1985 I was trying to get my life together… Things weren’t going so well, I was drinking like a fish and I had this little heroin habit that was getting to be a real problem so I did the smart thing and got married to a girl that knew how to take care of a drunk. It was very clear to me that although she was perfectly willing to keep me from choking to death on my own vomit she would not be cool with me shooting heroin… So I decided to kick.  All I really remember about that was that it felt like I had ants crawling in my bones trying to eat the marrow out and the hallucinations were strange to beyond strange. I didn’t like her very much but that marriage lasted almost 5 years and all I can really tell you about her was she made a lot of money and she had blond hair.

My life was in a downward spiral and the Gin wasn’t helping much anymore.

Desert Storm Had Me Tripping Balls

I saw on the TV that my country had gone to war with Iraq… That didn’t make any sense to me so I guessed I was hallucinating it so when anyone brought the subject up at work I ran away to the parking lot.  I kept a bottle of Gin in the trunk of my car along with a long straw… I’d futz around in the trunk like I was looking for something and suck down warm Gin in order to stop the bad craziness.

I often thought about all the LSD I took when I was a kid and wondered if I was having flashbacks or something… It was someplace during this time the bleeding started.

Sink Full of Dishes

February 12 1991 was a very strange day, I knew I had been in a black out I just had no idea that what had started on New Years Day would carry me a month and a half into the future. I deduced that I had been passed out for quite a while because I was wrapped up in bloody sheets that had completely dried and were stuck solid to my face. I crawled to the bathroom and flopped into the tub with the shower on before I could peel them off. I thought it was morning but the sun went down… I was confused.

A cursory search of the house revealed I was out of Gin and  I was too sick to crawl to Red Barn Liquor so I passed out for another indeterminate amount of time.

 I have zero idea how I ended up at an AA meeting but that’s were I was.  I have no idea how I came to be in the possession of a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous… I really couldn’t figure out why Kevin (this surf rat I had known for years) came to be in my house doing my dishes.

Delirium Tremens and other weird $h1t

 Stop drinking cold turkey and you may experience a variety of withdrawal symptoms, ranging from mild to really messed up. The most severe alcohol withdrawals are the so called “Delirium Tremens” AKA: The DTs. Who would have thought alcohol withdrawal would be just like tripping on LSD and being electrocuted at random intervals?

I clearly remember thinking in French (a language I’d hardly heard or used in many years) for a little while, I was constantly sweating and freezing at the same time and $h1t that wasn’t supposed to move was moving… And I remember the Ducks… Ducks, Ducks, Ducks.

Alcoholics Anonymous as a HOLE.

365 days later I found myself in the old Wagon Wheel Alano Club and crazy Jim Denny made me get up where Bill (who everyone called stretch… Bastard was tall) was holding a chocolate doughnut with a burning candle stuck in it… As the crowd sang happy birthday Bill rotated the doughnut so I could see there was a bite taken out of it.

 I had no idea what the next 21 years would have in store for me but I was sober… I bet if I had a clue I would have gone out and got drunk right after that meeting.

 I fear I was right all along, the world is $h1t and people are crazy, Several years ago this lunatic Jewish American Princess fresh out of rehab came to a meeting and shared with the meeting: “I don’t want what you’ve got, I’ve got what you got, I want something else” I knew EXACTLY what she meant and I agreed 100%.

It wasn’t until the Icons of the 5:30 Happy Hour Group stepped up and showed their real colors that I took to heart that AA is full of the sickest people I’d ever met… And they weren’t likely to get any better. Sick people relying on other sick people for advice don’t make healthy choices… 

Find God or Die

Very early in my sobriety this idiot walked up to me and told me to “Find God or Die”.  I thought… Great, death or a fate worse than death. I was a stone atheist and only complete idiots could be so deluded to believe in God… Really.

The closest I came to drinking was in late 2009. Things weren’t okay and I had also become very ill with an in infection that I was pretty damn sure would be the end of me. My wife was lying to me, my kids were all running amok and my ex wife was out to drag me into court again. I called the one person I still trusted (who I’m aware now is a Psychopath that really wants me dead) and she tore into me for what exactly I wasn’t sure and twisted the knife.

I don’t know how or why I did not drink and die… I really tried, first I forgot to drink and then as I hit 4th gear at about 90 mph the car flat died… Apparently God saw it fit to unscrew the primary wire from the IGN coil pack to give me some time to think again about what I was doing.  That was probably about 3am on a Saturday… I wound up at Calvary Chapel in Camarillo a few hours later… Whatever.

 

9 May 2013…  Starbucks.