Momentum is good… Especially when you’ve been stuck for a while and today I got some. Moving forward and…

I Feel Better Than James Brown

Mark Twain said:  Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please… Mark Twain was a clever bastard and I quote him often. And so I have this half ream of paper in my hands that is long on bull$h1t but totally lacking in fact… Unfortunately it looks pretty good on paper… That is, it looks good if you don’t know the back story and a few key facts.

So I have these kids and as a father my job is to protect them from all manner of bull$h1t that comes down the pike…  Today the two older ones stepped up to protect me from the bull$h1t… Am I proud? … Well yes.  And then my wife stepped into the fight by telling “Them” ( You know Them… The ones that swoop in and fvckup life for all us “little people”) to go straight to hell.

I was told just to shut up and let them fight for me in this round… Okay fine… I don’t like it but FINE. Mark Twain also said: Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t. So I must admit that the only way I could tell the back story almost makes no sense at all… Has my Lawyer worried but lucky for me there are huge holes in the Bull$h1t story that’s causing me problems right now.

The Horror Show at Starbuck’s Coffee.

I sit here looking around me at all the Hipsters, Lops and terrifyingly Fat People slurping down Frappuccinos  and other fvckedup coffee based drinks hooting on cellphones and adjusting too tight stretchy shirts over rolls of flesh that keep popping out over their pants… Or god help me mini skirts. Jean Paul Sartre knew NOTHING about nausea.

Anyway, I sit here and roll this bull$h1t story through my head reading, highlighting and notating in the margins dredging up memories that are quite faded because I really wasn’t paying all that much attention at the time… Really nothing all that remarkable was happening in this particular sector of life at the time.  I mean later it was apparent that someone had “lost their $h1t” but even then that was centered on a one or two week period over ten years ago so I wasn’t all that worried even then… I mean, I knew what really happened because I was there. And I never imagined that I could be made out to be worse than Josef Mengele, Idi Amin Dada and  Milli Vanilli  all rolled into one.

Okay HSA,  I see it… I see how you could believe this Bull$h1t but I don’t see how you could come to the conclusions you have without even having even the slightest idea of the other side of this story… As well as all of the HARD FACTS… Really hard facts. I suppose this will have to wait though because I’m forced to STFU about it for now… Oh well… Nobody told me I couldn’t say you are all fvcking idiots though so: YOU ARE ALL FVCKING IDIOTS IF YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT. Y’all going to have to change the name of your agency again after my kids are done with you.

More Mark Twain: Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

The Ducks

Do you know how it is I know they are ducks?

Damn Stupid Ducks
Damn Stupid Ducks

It goes like this:

Six foot tall duck walks into Starbucks… I carefully remove my left boot… The duck looks around looking for some peace to disturb… I draw back and chuck the boot and shout DUCK!!! Invarably the duck looks my way and the boot connects directly with the ducks face.


And I feel better now.


When we were in love I pretended you didn’t exist
That way I loved you more
You suggested we get married and move into a house
I suggested that we jump overboard
And live underwater in the lost city of Atlantis
Where mermaids sing
And tuxedoed dolphins bring you breakfast

One year later I was transferred to the moon
Worse pay, better hours
I was tr transferred o the moon
Worse pay, better fellow workers

I built our love out of blood
I went to the dentist and told him “take out my heart”
I feel better than James Brown
I feel better now
I feel better than James Brown

I was attending Mardi Gras with Fidel Castro
Bucksome cross dressers threw fake gold coins at our feet
As we discussed the fate of the revolution
Suddenly, CIA men dressed in bikinis
Tried to stab us with fountain pens
Fidel blew mustard gas from his cigar
And immobilized the lot of them
19 tequilas later we had a deal
Havana goes back to the mob
And Fidel and I open a chain of Kentucky Fried Chicken shops

Ain’t life sweet? I feel good
I feel better than James Brown
I feel better now
I feel better than James Brown
I feel better now, how do you feel?

I feel better than James Brown
I feel better now
I feel better than James Brown
I feel better now
I feel better than James Brown
I feel better now, how do you feel?