I hate driving in parking lots and from there I get this really bad feeling for people in general (especially Toyota Prius drivers) and from there my day goes down the drain. I was going to tell you about malnutrition but…

Parking Lots Are Deadly

So after the 6  M&Ms  I ate for breakfast I really needed coffee because the headache was coming on so I drove to Starbuck’s of course I was nearly killed 20 times on the 101 freeway because that is the nature of freeways but after safely arriving in my favorite strip mall I was assaulted three time by one Toyota Prius in the span of less than one minute… I lived… So I thought I’d look up the statistics of just ho fatal a walk in the parking lot could be.

Parking Lot Demolition Derby
Parking Lot Demolition Derby

The most common events in parking lots were contact with objects (15%), pedestrian fatalities (13%), homicides (36%), and suicides (11%).  So it would seem to me from these stats that mostly it is intentional when they try to kill me… And to be fair I suppose some small percent of these maniacs are out to kill them self so I shouldn’t take it personally. So… 37% of Drivers are Homicidal 28% are just just bad drivers, and 11% are suicidal so that is 76% of Prius drivers are fvcking dangerous that leaves… And then you have Minivans but I’m guessing they just cant see.

M&Ms, Beef Jerky and Espresso.

So… When I finally arrived at Starbuck’s after the homicidal 300 pound ridiculously giant breasted pig tried to kill me with her stupid little car, still breathing, and with all my insides on the inside like they are supposed to be, I had a headache… I intended to write about the M&Ms but I got off on a tangent about how I was wasting my near life experience that led to fight club and how I would like to stick a shotgun in someones mouth and pull the trigger I went “home” to the (really nice) guest room I’m hiding in and checked my blood pressure… It was 248 over 160 something. So I did what any intelligent monkey would do… I took 2 Atenelol instead of one and could barely stand up this morning… 97 over 62 and I had no pulse… The Pig actually had killed me and I just hadn’t faded yet!

Yes... You... Effin Pig.
Yes… You… You Effin Fat Pig!

So a little while later my beautiful wife called me and, well, I wasn’t actually dead but I needed espresso in the worst way… I’m at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf today because the parking lot is smaller so you can’t get up to speed… Still dangerous but I think I can dodge them if they were just a tad slower.

5 to 10 Peanut M&Ms for breakfast, 12 to 18 shots of espresso throughout the day and about 2 oz of peppered beef jerky for dinner. Motrin PRN for Pain and Blood Pressure meds (don’t double up). shed 22 pounds in 4 weeks and feel like a million bongo bucks. I know your game now and I ain’t scared of you.

6 May 2013